Why Do Female Managers Mistreat Their Female Employees?
Women have the odds stacked against them when rising into leadership positions. The collateral damage: their female employees.
By Mekhala Mira
August 1, 2025
"You're the one who's getting emotional." Those words have haunted me for almost a year now. They were spoken to me by a female manager in the presence of a man who had abused me, a man whom she'd just promoted.
I had to listen to someone who had shattered me, someone who now had power over me, spew slanderous lies to discredit my complaints about his behavior - all while she calmly nodded along and took notes.
I begged her to believe me that nothing he was saying was true, that the story I was telling was accurate and that others would attest to it. But when I spoke, she rolled her eyes, rubbed her temples, and sighed in impatience.
The meeting ended with me being told, by another woman, that I was overreacting to an experience that I was manifesting in my head. It ended with him making a joke with her and laughing, given free rein to continue his behavior. I quit a few weeks later, sacrificing my income and all my friendships, because of how traumatizing the experience was.
The day I quit.The mistreatment by my female manager wasn't a coincidence. According to a 2024 study by McKinsey, women are far less likely to be promoted to managerial positions, with just 81 women promoted per 100 men. Research shows that those who do get there tend to rise in the ranks by spurning traditionally "female" characteristics and taking on those typical of men.
So, what are those characteristics? According to Dr. Madeline Heilman, professor of social psychology at New York University, "female" characteristics include a concern for others, affiliative tendencies, deference, and emotional sensitivity, whereas "male" characteristics, include an orientation towards achievement, an inclination to take charge, autonomy, and rationality.
This may be a good time to note that my abuser was the highest earner in our store. He had told me at one point that our manager's bonus is tied to his numbers. Not only was I being emotionally vulnerable and begging for help, exhibiting characteristics she had been taught to suppress, but my complaints were also a threat to her achievement.
The irony is not lost on me that I am singling out the mistreatment by a female manager because I expected her to exhibit "female" characteristics. I had several male managers who also sided with my abuser. However, it’s not unreasonable to expect understanding from someone who has walked in your shoes. It is the responsibility of women who rise into managerial positions to avoid perpetuating the unfairness of the system that got them there. This means not reinforcing to their subordinates that "male" characteristics are necessary to succeed. Leadership means leading by example, and that example should be that women with traditionally "female" characteristics can be just as competent as men. This is especially important at a company like the one I worked at, where the workforce and leadership is predominantly male, as there are fewer examples of a competent woman with "female" characteristics.
Dr. Heilman also discusses the fact that when there are more women in a work environment, "female" characteristics don't stand out as a detriment to success. Therefore, when women rise into managerial positions, not only should they set a positive example for the women who work for them, but they should also work to make sure the representation of women and men is proportional in hiring decisions. This is the only way to truly counter the gender bias in the long term.
“It is the responsibility of women who rise into managerial positions to avoid perpetuating the unfairness of the system that got them there.”
It's not fair that women have so much responsibility shoved onto our shoulders, but in our patriarchal society, those of us who rise into power positions should be opening doors to other women and celebrating their "female" characteristics. We must work to associate these characteristics with success if we want any chance of being treated equally to men.
I felt humiliated after that meeting, and wished I had fought back with anger instead of tears, but now, 9 months later, the only regret I have is feeling ashamed in the first place. I see a power in my emotional vulnerability. It has brought me more success than any attempt to suppress my feelings in the name of strength. It's hard not to feel resentful of my manager, but when I try to zoom out and see the situation objectively, I only feel bad for her. I feel bad that she felt the need to put me down to be accepted. She is trapped in a system. I only wish that she could see that and want to do better.
Mekhala Mira is a writer, producer, and musician based in Los Angeles, California. Her work, rooted in both research and radical vulnerability, examines how the world around us shapes our internal lives.
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